Tech Humor
COMPUTER HELP CENTER
A woman called the Canon help desk, about a problem
she was having with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under
Windows." The woman responded, "No, my
desk is next to the door. But that's a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his is working just fine."
**********
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
**********
The following conversation was overheard in a
computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large
variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
computer?"
**********
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom, to
fax the document back to the sender when
I was finished with it. He said he needed to keep it.
**********
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the
Internet onto this disk for me?"
**********
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone
calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
**********
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the
Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the
Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
**********
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to
reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said
before. I crashed my spaceship and now
it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do
that?"
*********
I got a call from a woman who said that her laser
printer was having problems: the bottom
half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry.
It seemed strange that the printer was smearing
only the bottom half.
I walked her through the basics, then went over and
printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I
asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the
printer.
As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out
and showed it to me.
I told her to wait until the paper came out on its
own.
Problem solved.
**********
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's
DeskJet division for about a month
when I had a customer call with a problem I just
couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine, which truly
baffled me because the only true colors are
cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but
green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow
printed fine except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the
customer delete and reinstall the drivers.
Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they
offered no new ideas. After over two
hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the
customer to send the printer in to us for
repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of
this yellow paper?"
**********
A man attempting to set up his new printer called
the printer's Tec support number,
complaining about the error message: "Can't find the
printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer
up in front of
the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
**********
And another user was all confused about why the
cursor always moved in the opposite
direction from the movement of the mouse. She also
complained that the buttons were
difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when
we asked her to rotate the mouse so
the tail pointed away from her.
**********
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an
"Access Denied" message every time he logs in.
It turned out he was typing his username and
password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use
lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my
keyboard."
**********
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a
quiet afternoon.
He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of
the workstations with her arms crossed
across her chest, staring at the screen. After about
15 minutes he noticed that she was still in
the same position, only now she was impatiently
tapping her foot. He asked if she needed
help and she replied
"It's about time! I pressed the F1 (help) button
over twenty minutes ago!"
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for
granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and
website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant
specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
.Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He
began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could
avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to
have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up
in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap
day. Nothing else worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was
given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room with excited people.
They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and
"He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that
looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't
contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are
all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic
receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years
later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced such a degree that everyone had virtual
reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so
interested in me?"
"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner,
and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from
artificial flavors, and furniture polish is made from real lemons. --Alfred E.
Newman
This excerpt taken from a Wall Street
Journal article:
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was
packaged in.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the
floppies.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to Fax
anything. After 40 minutes of failed problem solving is was discovered the man was trying
to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the
"send" key.
A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - But that his
computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I
pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot
pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
my Warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my
computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's
because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How
did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute
the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.
Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support.
"I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had
some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit
it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove
Disk 1 first.
"Actual" dialog of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
TECH: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
CUST: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
TECH: "What sort of trouble?"
CUST: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
TECH: "Went away?"
CUST: "They
disappeared."
TECH: "Hmm. So what does
your screen look like now?"
CUST: "Nothing."
TECH: "Nothing?"
CUST: "It's blank; it
won't accept anything when I type."
TECH: "Are you still in
WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
CUST: "How do I
tell?"
TECH: "Can you see the
"C" prompt on the screen?"
CUST: "What's a
sea-prompt?"
TECH: "Never mind. Can
you move the cursor around on the screen?"
CUST: "There isn't any
cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
TECH: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
CUST: "What's a monitor?"
TECH: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
CUST: "I don't know."
TECH: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
CUST: "...Yes, I think so."
TECH: "Great! Follow the
cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
CUST: "...Yes, it is."
TECH: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
CUST: "No."
TECH: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."
CUST: "...Okay, here it is."
TECH: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
CUST: "I can't reach."
TECH: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
CUST: "No."
TECH: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?"
CUST: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle-it's because it's dark."
TECH: "Dark?"
CUST: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."
TECH: "Well, turn on the office light then."
CUST: "I can't."
TECH: "No? Why not?"
CUST: "Because there's a power outage."
TECH: "A power... a power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
CUST: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
TECH: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the
store you bought it from."
CUST: "Really? Is it that bad?"
TECH: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
CUST: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?"
TECH: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
