page 2
Jokes and Other Humor
Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet
Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones
Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away
Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling
Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin
Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank
Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup
Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea
Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory
Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie
Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a
jack-o-lantern by it's circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi
Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.
Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.
Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.
Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.
Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to
his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
Lawyer's jokesLawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
1.Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2.Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3.Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4.Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5.The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6.Were you alone or by yourself.
7.How long have you been a French Canadian?
8.Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9.Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10.Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11.Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12.Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13.Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14.So you were gone until you returned?
15.Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16.You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17.Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18.Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19.A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20.Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for three hours, and haven't gotten anything
except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
17. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.
18. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.
19. Don't pop someone else's bubble.
20. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
21. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
22. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
23. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
24. Make your mother proud of you. In some cases this could apply to grandpa, too, just think of the things he used to do for grandkids.